Friday, February 26, 2016

Why Anonymity? (so no one knows you suck, duh)

I am constantly on this mental back and forth. One one hand, I've go some psychological/neurological barriers to the way I think/process/act and I have to remain aware of them to work past them and have successes. On the other hand, these are just plain shortcomings I have that are hard wired and I can't work past them.

The second half of that presents me with this frightening version of myself that's fairly dumb and ill-equipped to function in the world who's just pretending to be smart and capable.

I'm honestly not sure of the answer! If I struggle to remember some details at work am I just a person who doesn't have the memory capacity or organization to do the job I was given? If it's hard for me to process a lot of details at once am I just someone who's not smart enough for the work.

If I falter coming up with new creative material, or even working on something creative I've I just not really that creative?

It's almost crippling sometimes and letting those thoughts expand in my mind leads to some of the most negative, destructive, self loathing times in my life.

Are those real limits on my worth? Or are they just challenges I haven't mounted yet? I am constantly worried that someone is going to find out and say something like "Well why did we hire this incompetent person into that role?". Or in future prospects for either jobs or further education or whatever it is, someone will find out that I'm really this dullard and my chances will be shot.

That's why I write anonymously. And honestly, even if the nicer version of the narrative (I have some challenges I haven't gotten through yet), I fear someone would judge me negatively on that basis anyway. "Oh, this guy hasn't gotten his shit together, he's not worth our time".

I don't know where on the spectrum I really lie in terms of real worthlessness and unrealized success...but I don't want anyone to know this deepest darkest shit.

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