Saturday, February 6, 2016

Erratic Emotions Help The Medicine Go Down? (That can't be right...)

Have you heard? Depression is the new black. It's the mental health issue that's overtaken my life and made living with ADHD seem like a walk in th--squirrel!

Ok. that joke was super unnecessary, sorry. Job anxiety, seasonal affective disorder and good ol' out of whack neurotransmitters have thrown me straight into clinical depression, something I haven't really dealt with too much in my life, definitely never this bad.

There is talk of some light at the end of this tunnel, just whispers. I finally made it in to see a doctor who can advise on pharmacological solutions...I would have made it there earlier, but I missed the appointment. Guess the ADHD is still in there somewhere.

I'm not naive enough to think an antidepressant should solve all my problems on day one, but day three was a pretty good day. I felt productive, I felt more comfortable having conversations with others, I think I smiled a few times without it feeling fake or forced.

Today was absolute hell trash. I woke up a little later than intended, but still had time to do stuff in the morning before work. It seemed every single step involved in that process; disorganized, scattered, frustrated. I've gotten better over the past couple years at being calm in the face of frustrations, even when not in a regular meditation routine, something I badly need to start again, I am good at getting perspective on life's little bumps. Not today, no sir. Every little scattered moment made me more mad, putting me in a terrible mood by the time I got to work. Things went downhill from there, negativity, self-doubt, unfocusedness, fatigue all boiled together inside of me and I couldn't stand to be in that place.

I had to come home form work sick today and go straight to bed, simply because of an undefinable, vague sense of feeling like complete and utter shit...with nothing apparently physically wrong with me.

Bed was the place to get some rest and recover some energy (though it doesn't feel recovered), but it was also my hiding place from the shit, and that's probably not the most healthy coping strategy.

With mental health the line between mental/emotional and physiological is pretty blurred, but it's been a long time since I've really had a "bad day" like this, where nothing seems like it's going right and I'm pissed about it. I've felt emotionally and mentally exhausted and unfocused frequently in the recent past, but this was a little different.

This leads me to think that it's part of the rocky process of starting a new mental health medication regimen. Anxiety is a listed side effect when starting the drug. I've got a six week ramp up before the drug should be fully integrated into my system at the right dosage. It's really going to be a pain if random days are going to feel like this...I hope it is a more stable process.

Until then I can merely let the process work itself out and have a clear answer on whether the medication is the best solution or not.

Fingers crossed. Heading back to bed.

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