Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Negative "Nah"

So I think I've already got two or three draft posts in the works referencing this concept...and I have yet to actually define it. Since I didn't make notes and can't remember what I had even intended on writing this week (amazing that I hold a job or remember to get up in the morning), I'll take some time to write about this little, nagging thing that plagues my productivity and sometimes my self worth.

My wife and I have this little joke, when we don't want to do something we say "nah". Can you do those dishes and then I'll make dinner in the clean kitchen tomorrow? "Nah." Can you take those instruments downstairs that have been in the hallway since you played two weeks ago? "Nah." I'm leaving for work, can you give me a kiss? "Nah." It's just a silly little thing we say to each other. But I say it a lot in my head, too.

You would feel better if you cleaned up your desk a bit. "Nah."

You really wanted to read that book, you should start. "Nah."

Grab that thing for tomorrow or you'll forget it in the morning. "Nah, I'll grab it before bed." (spoiler alert: I don't)

Sometimes it's pretty mundane...but sometimes it can get really damaging. Sometimes the word "nah" starts to bring this whole other meaning with it, that's when it becomes the "negative nah".

Nah, you won't get very far anyway.

Nah, you're too stupid for that anyway.

Nah, doesn't it feel better to feel awful about yourself then doing that thing?

Nah, fuck you you worthless piece of shit who should die.

It usually escalates like that over a week or two. Each time I say no to doing something I know would make me feel productive and accomplished, I dig a little deeper into myself. And the worst part is it becomes addictive. Like addictive distraction (probably haven't written about that one yet); each time I do it, the very act of diverting myself from positive actions or thoughts has a little attractive surge and I start to feed off doing this.

You can see how someone with a music degree has done little in the way of serious music work in 5 years since (barely) graduating. You can see how someone with a multitude of interests knows only a bit about each of them. Maybe only I can see those things? I feel like I've barely done anything in my life in the last decade or so besides get by. I haven't created anything big, I haven't finished a lot of the small things I've started creating, I haven't moved further in pursuing things that interest me. My old blog was full of promises to do so.

And a lot of it is due to the "negative nah".

So often saying no to progress and positivity creeps up...takes on an evil mind of it's own, and eventually consumes me in self-hatred.

This is where this post ends...because it's just meant as a definition of this idea for when I refer to it elsewhere. It feels a little down to end it without any resolution to this troubling thing...but rest assured I'm always trying to look for ways to be better...more on that later.

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